Women's Zone Funnyscopes (April)

Warning: Read with caution and a well honed sense of humour. These Funnyscopes are not for the faint hearted or the humourless!

Aries (March 21st - April 20th)

Hey butter fingers, by all accounts you'll be on top form this month. To avoid breaking everything in sight take preventative measures to ensure you only sprain rather than break and scorch rather than burn anything vital.

Seems like you have to avoid being a spendthrift this month too, but apparently if you manage to avoid the buy, buy, buy mentality, you'll make a bob or two...get you!  You might be quids in but your murky past is about to rear its ugly little head, you've be a tad bad in days gone by! If you are planning a getaway, for you and your loved one ensure you actually have a passport and that you have booked flights.

Taurus (April 21st - May 21st)

This month finds you being a pedantic so and so and really finding fault with all and sundry. Who do you think you are a Virgo perfectionist?  In any case tact is advised or  watch out as a punch on the nose might be heading your way.

Apparently, travel will bring pleasure, please keep in mind though, that this could mean that everyone is ecstatic that little Ms Perfect is away and they will Bhuddist chant that you get eaten by Jaws or get washed away at sea.
Thursdays could be good days for you...but then again maybe not!

Gemini (May 22nd - June 21st)

Ok so you will be a tad overbearing as you are prone to sharing your thoughts again and again and again. When you get over that phase in the month you will once again become Ms Popularity, not least with yourself, you Narcissist!  Don't waste time conversing with fuddy duddies it can only end in heated debate and ultimately fallouts. Maintain your high ground but be careful what goes up must come down!

Wednesdays could be good for you this month but then again maybe it won't.

Cancer (June 22nd - July 22nd)

How utterly boring will you be this month, conversations with you could be like watching very old cheap paint dry. It seems like you're in need of a bit of light entertainment after all the wheeling and dealing you'll be doing and no, working from home and doing it well is no excuse for being a dedbeat. Spring is not for staying in, so get out of your shell and party arty. Speaking of arty why not take in an art gallery or two? Art seems to be the key to that fortune of yours. Word on the grapevine is that Damien Hurst's next project will be using crabs.

Monday's could be good for you this month....Damien's project commences on a Tuesday so enjoy while you can.

Leo (July 23rd - August 22nd)

Roaring times are around the corner babe...you're in the mood to set the town alight and everyone will be most susceptible to your charms. Like a bad cold everyone will so get you! You'll be networking central but don't put your dubious street credibility on the line by being too loud or shaking that mane for too long, no one likes to catch head lice or for that matter a cold. Keep things under wraps until you are sure your prey is in sight, then pounce mercilessly.

Fridays could be good for you...but if they are not oh well!

Virgo (August 23rd - September 23rd)

A little r'n'r is in store for you this month and yes I do mean rest and rejuvenation, not the other! Stay away from home as the foundations could be rumbling a little...of course not a earthquake silly...I mean arguments with loved one's and family. Give them all a wide berth and go find yourself in a foreign country, you know as in sitting on top of a mountain chanting for world peace whilst others are doing the hard work!

Fridays could be good for you...or maybe not.

Libra (September 24th - October 23rd)

Lucky bighead how can you be finding romance this month and being a veritable Amazon in the mmmm department. Those around you will be jealous or you will think they are and alleviate the tension by being away with the fairies and daydreaming your way out of it. What's new for April, well in your case love and hate, ah yes the balance is assumed and normality resumes. Librans who needs them anyway, all that talk of justice, fairness and equality bah humbug.

Thursday's could be good for you....or maybe not.

Scorpio (October 24th - November 22nd)

Don't assume that because you fancy someone they fancy you back, ask them before you go booking Civil Partnership ceremonies! When she does say yes why not mix business with pleasure and take her out for a lavish dinner. Don't forget the receipt, in credit crunch Britain why waste hard earned cash you could spend on yourself wining and dining anyone when you can claim it back as a business expense. In any case, apparently your love will turn out to be a hate and in that case go Dutch leaving your expense account fraud free until next month's beau turns up!

Wednesdays could be a good day for you...or maybe not!

Sagittarius (November 23rd - December 21st)

You are best steering clear of cupid this month, it is business not love for you! If you do however find love and are misguided enough to think you have found Ms Right don't panic your delusion will be short lived as she will turn into Ms very, very, wrong soon enough!  
Spring cleaning is on the cards for you, and boy is it time! Your house would give Ms Havisham's a run for its money. I would call the exterminators and let them go wild.  You are likely to get a promotion and spend your days grovelling around for that next position but don't worry you will hit the glass ceiling soon enough.

Sundays could be a good day for you this month...or maybe not!

Capricorn (December 22nd - January 20th)

If you must be greedy and try to make more money than you need, take silly risks if you have the cash to spare then you just might profit. Having taken the aforementioned plunge you might equally find yourself chewing your nails and wondering "why me?" as you sit on your suitcases outside the gate of your former house watching your fancy car being towed away by the bailiffs.

Having made or lost all that dosh, how gullible are you to get fooled by someone with half your IQ and  no street smarts...wise up Drongo get a life and the next time someone tells you they need to borrow your card and pin to check your date of birth.....

Mondays may be a good day for you or maybe they won't!

Aquarius (January 21st - February 19th)

Upheaval is on the cards as you are being all sensitive and an all round big baby, so get a grip and toughen up, the world won't come to an end if someone reveals in the pub that you are wearing pink frilly pants instead of boy shorts!

Someone may pat you on the back for something you've done, but watch out as they might pat you with a ten tonne truck as you are set to get disowned by your family for something you've done. Plan and orchestrate your dastardly deeds carefully. Where love is concerned you will act in haste and repent at leisure, oh well!

Sundays might be lucky for you this month or maybe not!

Pisces (February 20th - March 20th)

Keep your sordid secrets and past indiscretions to yourself or you might find yourself on the Jeremy Kyle show having to explain a few things. Some blabber mouth will attempt to spread far and wide whatever you tell them. To add insult to injury this blabber mouth might be someone you trust. To avoid all this, divorce your family and tell your friends that you no longer want to know! Finally, don't be so quick to spend your money, it seems like you'll be needing it, when your former friends call in outstanding loans and the parents you disowned ask you to leave their spare room.

Fridays might be lucky for you this month or maybe not!